This satirical piece is part of my Digital Dating Slang Dictionary and describes typical behaviour patterns in online dating – exaggerated, humorous and deliberately subjective. Using the example of the ‘virtual fuckboy’, I reflect on online dating experiences, digital intimacy and emotional labour – without claiming to offer advice or moralising.
Welcome to the first instalment of my Digital Dating Slang Dictionary—where we study the most confusing types of modern men in their natural habitat: the chat window.
A guide to digital masturbation disguised as flirting
Today’s specimen is a creature of habit, hormones and Wi-Fi.
He’s not looking for hearts, just screenshots.
And yet he makes you feel like you’re the chosen one… until you realise that you’re just the unpaid leading lady in his private porn fantasy.
Virtual fuckboy (n.)
Definition:
A man who uses dating apps the way other people use porn sites – purely for self-service purposes.
He’s not here to get to know you, he’s here to live out his fantasy.
The chat is his foreplay, your selfies are his climax, and your silence is his cue to disappear.
Distinctive features:
- Starts every conversation charmingly and “curiously” – but somehow everything leads to sex.
- Never actually asks if you want to go out with him.
- Asks for photos. Then for more photos. Then for ‘a little more, please’.
- Usually texts with one hand.
- Says things like ‘I’m not like other men’ while doing exactly what other men do.
Typical habitat:
Tinder after midnight, Telegram DMs, or anywhere else where messages can disappear.
Nutrition:
Compliments, nude photos, and your emotional labour.
Natural enemies:
Women with boundaries and screenshots.
Sext-Parasite (n.)
Definition:
A digital life form that feeds on erotic energy without giving anything back.
It thrives on your attention, your words, your willingness to “play along”.
When you stop writing, it deflates like a cheap balloon animal.
Key behaviours:
- Reflects your fantasies to keep you hooked.
- Pretends to be ‘totally in love’ with you – until you suggest a real date.
- Disappears as soon as he gets his dopamine fix.
- Comes back days later with ‘Hey you’.
Interesting facts:
The sext-parasite believes he is having sex, even though he is only writing about it.
Wank-Chatter (n.)
Definition:
A sub-species of the virtual fuckboy, mainly found in British slang.
He gets aroused by the conversation itself – he is literally a chat wanker.
Mating call:
„What are you wearing?“
„Are you touching yourself right now?“
„May I see you?“
Spoiler: He never shows up. He just appears.
Warning:
Take it with humour or the block button in hand.
An interaction can lead to a slight feeling of disgust and a sudden urge to wash your mobile phone.
Moral of the story
Some men swipe for love,
some for ego,
and some just for the Wi-Fi connection.
Choose your adventure wisely.
Next in my digital dating slang dictionary:
‘The disappearing poet’ – a man who writes essays for you, disappears for weeks and then reappears with a new ‘emotional’ playlist.
- This article is part of a satirical dictionary on digital dating.
- It describes typical behaviour patterns when flirting online.
- The text is deliberately exaggerated and humorous.
- It does not claim to be complete or objective.
- The aim is recognition – not instruction.